Fearfully And Wonderfully

So many (and by 'so many' I mean all) of us have self confidence issues when it comes to our physical appearances. Whether we've accepted the fact or are still in denial, there is at least one thing we can all think of that we'd like to change about ourselves. Everyone, especially us girls, struggles with feeling ugly or just not good enough. I can remember looking in the mirror and just absolutely hating what I saw. And don't think that because I used the past participle tense that I don't struggle with this anymore.  

For those of us who were even slightly 'churched' when we were growing up probably heard the verse that says "I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14. That verse was quoted to me by so many different venues (Sunday school teachers, Bible studies, etc) and a lot of the time I thought that this verse was supposed to convince me that I wasn't ugly because God had made me. I knew that God had created me and that what He had made was good, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that I, as an individual human, was physically beautiful. I was overweight and short, I had acne and chubby cheeks, really flat feet that were somehwat reminiscent of a duck's, and for some reason, I was cursed with hair that just wouldn't behave. I thought things would get better (and by better, I meant prettier) as I got older so I tried to put my self esteem issues on the back burner.

As those awkward junior high years ended and my Freshman year of high school was about to begin I realized that I still felt the same way about my appearance. Granted, some things had gotten better like my hair and some of the acne, but that familiar root problem of not feeling good enough was still there. As I made new friends in my new school I didn't think about my issues as much and things got better. I still didn't feel pretty but other things were more important than that to me, at the time. When I hit my Sophomore year in high school I weighed the most I ever had. No style of dressing could hide the pounds I'd packed on and I felt disgusting. But I was still preoccupied with everything else in school so while I still hated the way I looked, I was able to not obsess about it too badly. But then one day I found out that one of the girls at my school had called me fat behind my back. I was crushed inside but I made light of it in front of my friends to seem like I had myself and my issues all in check. I pretended to brush it off but it really really hurt me. So that summer I got serious, buckled down, and I lost a lot of weight. I exercised every day, was more careful with what I ate and I made visible progress. I was very proud of myself and others were proud of me so I felt better. I hadn't reached my goal but I felt I'd somehow proven something to that girl and also to myself. What I thought I'd proven, I couldn't specifically say because the truth was, the only thing I'd really done was prove to myself that it had taken the criticism of some one else to motivate me to change. And I still didn't feel pretty. 

I won't pretend that I still don't struggle with my weight or with self confidence issues because I do. It's a daily battle to not spend hours in front of the mirror until I'm mildly satisfied with what I see. I've learned in my short life that no amount of girl power or support from your friends will give you the self confidence that you are looking for. Flattery from your friends, your dad, or other guys might make you feel better temporarily but ultimately when other people told me I was pretty or cute it just made me want to keep trying harder to be more beautiful so they might tell me again. Those things will not make you believe that you are beautiful or help you to see your true worth.The problem with the way I looked at myself was that I was looking at just myself to find beauty. The thing is, all on my own I am not beautiful in any physical or intangible way.

Friends, the only way you're going to be able to see your beauty and worth is to realize the beauty and worth of th One who has created you. He is the one who has made your body and formed your personality. He is the Lover of your soul and is at the core of your being. If you have surrendered your life to Christ, He has begun something within you. Something He intends to finish. He is molding you into what He created you for and that is what makes you beautiful. The most perfect, divine, loving, patient, forgiving, passionate, jealous God has taken an interest in your life and wants to be in a relationship with you. The truth that He would love you so much is where your worth is found. 

 "But You, oh Lord, shall endure forever." Psalm 102:12a

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." Deuteronomy 32:4

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting." Psalm 107:1

"For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God who does not show partiality, nor take a bribe." Deuteronomy 10:17 

"For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24

This is the One who loves you. This is the truth that makes you beautiful. 

Love,

M