It's been a few days since I've written and, I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling especially positive this evening so I'm just going to say what's on my mind.
*Disclaimer: This is unedited and most of the paragraphs are not separated.*
I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I can't get the story out of my head and onto the paper. I'm frustrated because I know it all in my head, I feel it when I play the dialogue in my mind, but I can't articulate what it is I'm trying to say. I hate throwing out absolutions when it comes to writing but I feel like I am physically incapable of telling the stories I've created. The main theme in every single one is love. The story, while it may not completely revolve around the idea, has a plot that focuses on two people who fall in love. And I feel like it's taken me months (maybe even years) to realize that either it's impossible for me to write about love, or it's just incredibly difficult and I'm not trying hard enough. I really sat down and thought about it today. I've never been in love (and this admission is not meant to evoke any kind of pity from anyone, it's just a fact) yet almost every one of my creative ideas revolved around this theme. I guess when you really think about it, my problem makes sense. How can you write about something in a meaningful and three dimensional way when you've never experienced firsthand that which you're trying to writing about? It's like trying to write a literary analysis over a book you never read. I'm not trying to sound mopey or dismal, I just need to get this out. The plots sound wonderful in my head, the characters are real enough to begin a story, and the setting is visible in my mind, but when a chapter or scene is complete it lacks heart and soul; words that do the situation justice. I can't give a love story the emotion or soul that it deserves. I know a lot of writers have written about things they've never experienced and maybe this means that I've not practiced enough or am missing something. I'm just frustrated. So frustrated that it physically hurts. The idea of saving the rough drafts and pieces of my ideas for later and starting something new again makes me so so mad. I feel like all I've ever done with my writing is start, scrap, save for a later date, and start over again. I'm so tired of never finishing anything. A couple days ago I was writing at my laptop and my sister came in and asked if I wanted to watch a movie or something. I told her I was writing and she said, "You know, we've never actually gotten to read anything of yours. Haven't you finished anything?" I didn't take it as an insult, and it didn't even really bother me at the time. But what she said is true. I haven't finished anything, save for a couple short stories. And I don't discount the progress I've made over the years of practicing but it would just be really nice to have something to show for the work I've done. This past weekend at graduation only added to this frustration (please don't think that I've been walking around sulking for the past week. I really did have an awesome time at graduation and all the post-graduation hoo-hah). The other people were setting up their tables with the tri-fold boards and people had something unique to put on their table. They had stuff like trophies, books of their art, things they made, scholarships they'd won, or photos of themselves doing what they did (horseback riding, sports, dancing, etc) and I felt totally inadequate with my board, scrapbook, and small photo album. I don't play an instrument, I don't dance or do sports, and while I do enjoy photography it's not my passion. My passion is writing and it really sucked to have nothing to show for it. And the answer to what I'm sure your next question is, no I don't write to be recognized. I just felt my lack of something to put on my graduation table was symbolic of the incompleteness I feel when I think of what I haven't finished.
My gift is writing. God has given it to me for a reason but the problem is I don't know what that reason is yet. I know I have to keep trying but it's just very frustrating to try a certain writing style or pursue a new idea for a decent amount of time and then have it fall through over and over. I know it's all part of the learning process and that I'll get somewhere eventually but it would just be nice to learn what it is I'm supposed to already. I will not give up my craft and I'll keep writing regardless of how crappy it is. And believe me, it is pretty crappy. There's a reason I don't post my own work very often. I want to improve and make progress. I want all these things but lack the know-how. I need something, but I don't know what that is yet. My purpose in life ultimately is not to be a great writer but to further the kingdom of God. Maybe it'll be through writing and maybe it won't. I don't know if I believe that God would give me this gift and not have me do something with it. Maybe this is another way He's teaching me to rely on Him completely for contentment in my life. My goal isn't to write stories but to preach the Gospel with my life. If I don't do that, nothing else matters. So pray that God would show me what to do with my gifts. I don't want to be that person who was given one talent and then goes and buries it because they thought it was useless. But I also don't want my gift to become an idol, something I feel defines me as a person. I just want to make a difference.
Whom have I in Heaven but You?
~Psalm 73:25a
M
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