Fearfully And Wonderfully

So many (and by 'so many' I mean all) of us have self confidence issues when it comes to our physical appearances. Whether we've accepted the fact or are still in denial, there is at least one thing we can all think of that we'd like to change about ourselves. Everyone, especially us girls, struggles with feeling ugly or just not good enough. I can remember looking in the mirror and just absolutely hating what I saw. And don't think that because I used the past participle tense that I don't struggle with this anymore.  

For those of us who were even slightly 'churched' when we were growing up probably heard the verse that says "I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14. That verse was quoted to me by so many different venues (Sunday school teachers, Bible studies, etc) and a lot of the time I thought that this verse was supposed to convince me that I wasn't ugly because God had made me. I knew that God had created me and that what He had made was good, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that I, as an individual human, was physically beautiful. I was overweight and short, I had acne and chubby cheeks, really flat feet that were somehwat reminiscent of a duck's, and for some reason, I was cursed with hair that just wouldn't behave. I thought things would get better (and by better, I meant prettier) as I got older so I tried to put my self esteem issues on the back burner.

As those awkward junior high years ended and my Freshman year of high school was about to begin I realized that I still felt the same way about my appearance. Granted, some things had gotten better like my hair and some of the acne, but that familiar root problem of not feeling good enough was still there. As I made new friends in my new school I didn't think about my issues as much and things got better. I still didn't feel pretty but other things were more important than that to me, at the time. When I hit my Sophomore year in high school I weighed the most I ever had. No style of dressing could hide the pounds I'd packed on and I felt disgusting. But I was still preoccupied with everything else in school so while I still hated the way I looked, I was able to not obsess about it too badly. But then one day I found out that one of the girls at my school had called me fat behind my back. I was crushed inside but I made light of it in front of my friends to seem like I had myself and my issues all in check. I pretended to brush it off but it really really hurt me. So that summer I got serious, buckled down, and I lost a lot of weight. I exercised every day, was more careful with what I ate and I made visible progress. I was very proud of myself and others were proud of me so I felt better. I hadn't reached my goal but I felt I'd somehow proven something to that girl and also to myself. What I thought I'd proven, I couldn't specifically say because the truth was, the only thing I'd really done was prove to myself that it had taken the criticism of some one else to motivate me to change. And I still didn't feel pretty. 

I won't pretend that I still don't struggle with my weight or with self confidence issues because I do. It's a daily battle to not spend hours in front of the mirror until I'm mildly satisfied with what I see. I've learned in my short life that no amount of girl power or support from your friends will give you the self confidence that you are looking for. Flattery from your friends, your dad, or other guys might make you feel better temporarily but ultimately when other people told me I was pretty or cute it just made me want to keep trying harder to be more beautiful so they might tell me again. Those things will not make you believe that you are beautiful or help you to see your true worth.The problem with the way I looked at myself was that I was looking at just myself to find beauty. The thing is, all on my own I am not beautiful in any physical or intangible way.

Friends, the only way you're going to be able to see your beauty and worth is to realize the beauty and worth of th One who has created you. He is the one who has made your body and formed your personality. He is the Lover of your soul and is at the core of your being. If you have surrendered your life to Christ, He has begun something within you. Something He intends to finish. He is molding you into what He created you for and that is what makes you beautiful. The most perfect, divine, loving, patient, forgiving, passionate, jealous God has taken an interest in your life and wants to be in a relationship with you. The truth that He would love you so much is where your worth is found. 

 "But You, oh Lord, shall endure forever." Psalm 102:12a

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." Deuteronomy 32:4

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting." Psalm 107:1

"For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God who does not show partiality, nor take a bribe." Deuteronomy 10:17 

"For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24

This is the One who loves you. This is the truth that makes you beautiful. 

Love,

M

Words words words, I'm so sick of words

It's been a few days since I've written and, I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling especially positive this evening so I'm just going to say what's on my mind. 


*Disclaimer: This is unedited and most of the paragraphs are not separated.* 


I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I can't get the story out of my head and onto the paper. I'm frustrated because I know it all in my head, I feel it when I play the dialogue in my mind, but I can't articulate what it is I'm trying to say. I hate throwing out absolutions when it comes to writing but I feel like I am physically incapable of telling the stories I've created. The main theme in every single one is love. The story, while it may not completely revolve around the idea, has a plot that focuses on two people who fall in love. And I feel like it's taken me months (maybe even years) to realize that either it's impossible for me to write about love, or it's just incredibly difficult and I'm not trying hard enough. I really sat down and thought about it today. I've never been in love (and this admission is not meant to evoke any kind of pity from anyone, it's just a fact) yet almost every one of my creative ideas revolved around this theme. I guess when you really think about it, my problem makes sense. How can you write about something in a meaningful and three dimensional way when you've never experienced firsthand that which you're trying to writing about? It's like trying to write a literary analysis over a book you never read. I'm not trying to sound mopey or dismal, I just need to get this out.  The plots sound wonderful in my head, the characters are real enough to begin a story, and the setting is visible in my mind, but when a chapter or scene is complete it lacks heart and soul; words that do the situation justice. I can't give a love story the emotion or soul that it deserves. I know a lot of writers have written about things they've never experienced and maybe this means that I've not practiced enough or am missing something. I'm just frustrated. So frustrated that it physically hurts. The idea of saving the rough drafts and pieces of my ideas for later and starting something new again makes me so so mad. I feel like all I've ever done with my writing is start, scrap, save for a later date, and start over again. I'm so tired of never finishing anything. A couple days ago I was writing at my laptop and my sister came in and asked if I wanted to watch a movie or something. I told her I was writing and she said, "You know, we've never actually gotten to read anything of yours. Haven't you finished anything?" I didn't take it as an insult, and it didn't even really bother me at the time. But what she said is true. I haven't finished anything, save for a couple short stories. And I don't discount the progress I've made over the years of practicing but it would just be really nice to have something to show for the work I've done. This past weekend at graduation only added to this frustration (please don't think that I've been walking around sulking for the past week. I really did have an awesome time at graduation and all the post-graduation hoo-hah). The other people were setting up their tables with the tri-fold boards and people had something unique to put on their table. They had stuff like trophies, books of their art, things they made, scholarships they'd won, or photos of themselves doing what they did (horseback riding, sports, dancing, etc) and I felt totally inadequate with my board, scrapbook, and small photo album. I don't play an instrument, I don't dance or do sports, and while I do enjoy photography it's not my passion. My passion is writing and it really sucked to have nothing to show for it. And the answer to what I'm sure your next question is, no I don't write to be recognized. I just felt my lack of something to put on my graduation table was symbolic of the incompleteness I feel when I think of what I haven't finished. 


My gift is writing. God has given it to me for a reason but the problem is I don't know what that reason is yet. I know I have to keep trying but it's just very frustrating to try a certain writing style or pursue a new idea for a decent amount of time and then have it fall through over and over. I know it's all part of the learning process and that I'll get somewhere eventually but it would just be nice to learn what it is I'm supposed to already. I will not give up my craft and I'll keep writing regardless of how crappy it is. And believe me, it is pretty crappy. There's a reason I don't post my own work very often. I want to improve and make progress. I want all these things but lack the know-how. I need something, but I don't know what that is yet. My purpose in life ultimately is not to be a great writer but to further the kingdom of God. Maybe it'll be through writing and maybe it won't. I don't know if I  believe that God would give me this gift and not have me do something with it. Maybe this is another way He's teaching me to rely on Him completely for contentment in my life. My goal isn't to write stories but to preach the Gospel with my life. If I don't do that, nothing else matters. So pray that God would show me what to do with my gifts. I don't want to be that person who was given one talent and then goes and buries it because they thought it was useless. But I also don't want my gift to become an idol, something I feel defines me as a person. I just want to make a difference. 


Whom have I in Heaven but You?
~Psalm 73:25a


M

Obsessed just a little bit.

Alright so in honor of Mumford & Sons winning THREE Billboard awards last night here's a little somethin' somethin'. 

PS: Folks like Mumford (i.e. Ingrid Michaelson and Ray LaMontagne) should be winning the awards that folks like Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift are winning. And this is fact, not opinion. ;)  

But anywho, here's what you should be doing right now. Listening to these fellows. So much talent and personality. :D

Today was the rehearsal for graduation which is tomorrow. After three and a half hours of photo shoots and five run-throughs of the bloody ceremony, I came to the decision that graduation is overrated. Totally 100% overrated. The gowns are heavy and make you sweat, and the frickin hats?? I'm not even going to comment on the hats. But hey, it signifies something important I guess. For most of the other kids up there it signifies the end of their high school careers and then celebrates their transition into college. But you see, I've already been in college for a whole year (I've probably already mentioned this fact 50 billion times) so it's kind of anti-climactic for me. But I suppose that's okay. I'm sure I'll be glad to have pictures of me graduating high school to show my kids twenty, thirty years from now. And if I don't have kids, I guess I'll just look at the pictures myself with the smug satisfaction that I gosh darn graduated high school. Go me. 


Anywho. Last night I made my board with all the pictures to put on my half of the table. I'd done my sister's for her two years ago so it turned out nicely. Here's bad picture of it. :D I've hid it in my closet so the cat doesn't scratch it up.

My friend Sarah did the big letters and overall, I like it. :) I'll probably post more pictures from the 'festivities' later on in the week. I'm sure the tenor of this whole post sounded sarcastic and unexcited about graduation. I am excited, I've just been wrestling with the most painful headache I've ever had so every little thing has been reacted to with ten times the normal amount of negativity, ergo the tenor of this post. Ok. I'm done. :) 

M...the almost high school graduate who also happens to be a college sophomore. Yippee. 

A post about summer (because I refuse to title this post as some cheesy lyrics from a country song about summer)

School officially got out this past Friday. My Freshman year of college is officially over! This Saturday I'm graduating high school and then have the rest of the summer to tackle those goals I talked to you about a couple posts ago. However, a few changes have been made. Instead of finishing that novel..."you know, that one I've been working on for three years?" (actually it's only been about one :D) I'm going to reopen one that I have been working on for two years. :) I had an "aha!" moment and thought about what would happen if I changed the setting to after the main event and changed the narration from multiple characters to just the main one. And after I decided to make that change, a million new ideas of what I could do with the story started flooding my mind. So yeah. Writing project changed and I have about one and a half chapters of if written. :)

Today I'm going to send in all my applications for jobs. 

I've ordered all the pictures I need for my graduation board and I'm getting more and more stoked for Saturday. :)

I'll post more updates when I have more time. :)

M


Updated later at 9PM


GRADES ARE POSTED!!!!! I got 2 As and 2 Bs!!! I was not expecting those 2 Bs at all! I got them in Government and Geography and I thought I was  going to get Cs in both! I have no idea how that happened but I'm freaking out excited!!


I didn't finish my applications today, which is a bummer, but I did start my study of Jeremiah and started exercising again. So all in all, it was a pretty good day. :) God is good. 

New favorite song :)

As I'm swimmin' through the stereo, I conduct a symphony of sound

I'm listening to Turning Tables by Adele right now. My sister's been trying to get me into her music for a while now, and I finally have. I love it. I spent all day today studying for finals which start next week. My first final is Government and right after it is Geography, my two hardest classes. They would be on the same day. Then I have English on Thursday and Spanish on Friday. Right now, I'm most unsure about Government and Geography. I really want to do well on these last two tests so I can pull a B in them. I think I'm studying for these finals more than I have before. :) Hopefully, it'll all pay off.


I wrote, edited, and turned in my last paper of the semester yesterday and it just lifted this huge weight off my chest. I now have three-ish months to write whatever I want. I'm sure most everyone has already started thinking about what they want to do this summer, so here's what I want to accomplish this summer...

• Read, read, read. I want to finish Mere Christianity, Franny and Zooey, Just Jane, and Breakfast At Tiffany's. I want to read more Nicholas Sparks and Anna Karenina, too. 
• I want to finish my novel. I'm seven chapters in and I think if I can dedicate a couple solid hours every day to working on it, I can get it finished. 
• I want to do a study of the book of Jeremiah. I'm doing it on my own without a study guide. We'll see how it goes. :)
• Continue growing my hair out. 
• Find at least three new musical artists who I consider my favorite. 
• See those friends who will be moving away for college before they go.

Even though I've technically been out of high school since the beginning of this year, I'm getting excited about my 'graduation' that's coming up in a few weeks. I decided that I wanted to have a high school graduation just because. It isn't going to help me get into college or anything. I just wanted to be able to have senior pictures and a graduation ceremony and all that jazz. It'll be sort of cool to stick it on a job app too, I suppose. :) I also get to graduate with one of my best friends which is really awesome. I'm getting super stoked for the mission trip coming up in June! If you haven't heard me talk about it already, I'm going with my church's choir on a mission trip all over Texas where we will be doing Juvenile Detention Center ministry. Through music, we're going to bring these kids the hope of the Gospel. Please be praying for us. :) I know God already has the details figured out. 

I'm in the process of applying for a summer job. I'm applying to JCPenney, Macy's Barnes & Noble, Braums, Cinemark, Mardel, and my church. Hopefully, I'll get something but I feel completely unqualified. But I guess everyone's got to start somewhere. 

I'm also making up my class schedule for this coming fall and I just need one more class to have full time student status. The class I wanted is completely filled in all sections, so I really don't know what to take. I had this problem last time and ended up taking a class I didn't need. I also ended up hating the class, so I'm definitely not signing up for anymore useless classes. 

Well, I'm going to sign off. I have a lot to do before I can tackle my summer goals. Thanks for reading!

M

Dear Christian brothers and sisters,

Last night I was watching The Shining for the first time when I found out that Osama bin Laden had been killed. When I was done with the movie, I logged onto my Facebook and was accosted by nearly two full screens of status updates celebrating or joking about the recent developments concerning bin Laden. Other than the recent presidential election (and maybe when the Rangers went to the World Series) I've never seen my small corner of Facebook blow up so fast. 


And so vehemently. 


I know that the rest of the world sees this as a major accomplishment for our country. Perhaps it is. Our leadership is to be commended for their intelligence and bravery in the execution of their mission. Those who mourn for the loss of their loved ones during the 2001 attacks should be comforted. We should never forget those dark days nor the heroes who died to protect our country - and we should support those men and women who continue to serve our country overseas to keep us safe. May God continue to keep our nation safe through the means He has given us. 


BUT 


What I want to talk about is the Christian response I have seen to the death of Osama Bin Laden. There is so much hatred and rejoicing. I watched the news last night as the details unfolded and there were hordes outside waving flags, setting off fireworks, and celebrating like it was the Fourth of July. People looked happy, but when the newscasters talked to specific people, I saw not joy but bitter hatred. I know some of you think you're being patriotic by celebrating the death of Bin Laden, but you need to consider who you have aligned yourself with when you claimed Christ. 


Your devotion to Jesus Christ is greater than your devotion to your family, to your friends, and your country. If you truly have a relationship with Jesus and have accepted Him as your Savior and recognize God as sovereign, then you need to consider this: 

Do I have any pleasure at all that the wicked should die?” says the Lord GOD, “and not that he should turn from his ways and live? 

Ezekiel 18:23

We have no business rejoicing in the death of another human. God is holy and just and He punishes those who do evil in His sight. But God does not revel in the demise of the evil, He wants all to come to the saving knowledge of His son Jesus. Some people seem to be happy about the fact that bin Laden is 'rotting in hell.' As Christians, how can we say or think that? Did bin Laden do great evil against us? Most definitely. But "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Moreover, "The wages of sin is death." All humankind has a sin nature and sins every day of his/her life. We are all damned to death in the sight of God and it is only by the blood of Jesus that any are saved and spared God's wrath. Dear Christian brothers and sisters, what sets you apart from a sinner like bin Laden? The only thing that makes you different is the righteousness of Christ applied to you because of your faith in Him. I would beg us all not to be so prideful in our condemnations of bin Laden or anyone else. Rather than revel in his death, it is my prayer that we would take this time as an opportunity to realize how merciful our God is. That He would save any person from their sin is an act of supernatural love and power. 

As Christians, we are not called to judge sin haughtily or hatefully. We are called to preach the Gospel and make disciples of Christ and while that does involve telling those whom we talk to that they are sinful, we are to do it in love. We are in the world, but we are not to be of it. (John 15:19). We are set apart because we have Christ in us. We are supposed to look different from the world. I urge you to not disregard the suffering of those still hurting from the 9/11 attacks nor to de indifferent to your allegiance to your country, but to walk and talk and live in a way that pleases the Lord. Taking part in the bitter rejoicing in the death of a human (regardless of his sin and crime) is wrong and what good does it do? Will slandering the name of one man be beneficial to our calling of winning hearts for Jesus Christ?

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

1 Peter 2:9